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My friend Vincent is third-generation Italian-American whose family owns a pizzeria in New Jersey and he’s militantly defensive about pizza being Italian perfection that cannot be improved upon or meaningfully compared to other flatbreads. He’s that guy who ruins pizza outings by lecturing about dough hydration and why New York water matters. Last month we…

My friend Alex’s Greek grandmother is notorious in the family for being impossible to please with food. She’s made stuffed grape leaves (dolmades) for sixty years and thinks nobody else’s version comes close. She’ll try other people’s attempts, make this dismissive face, and say “this is why nobody should try” before launching into what they…

My neighbor Ayşe moved to San Francisco from Istanbul two years ago and she’s been homesick the entire time. We’ve tried taking her to various Turkish restaurants hoping to cheer her up, but she’d take one bite, make this disappointed face, and say “this is not how we make it in Turkey” before picking sadly…

My friend Jessica volunteered to host our friend group dinner without thinking through the reality that she can’t cook beyond microwaving leftovers and ordering takeout. Two hours before people arrived, she had a full panic about having nothing to serve and guests expecting some effort since she offered to host. I told her to order…

My friend Stavros moved to San Francisco from Cyprus five years ago and complains constantly about how American “gyros” are sad imitations with mystery meat and weird toppings that no Greek person would recognize. He’d given up on finding real gyros here and just made do with disappointing substitutes. Then someone dragged him to Presidio…

My friend Marcus is chronically late to everything – meetings, dinners, movies, his own birthday party one year. We’ve learned to tell him events start thirty minutes earlier than they actually do. Last month he discovered the Turkish wraps at Presidio Kebab and suddenly he’s showing up on time, sometimes even early, to anything happening…

My uncle Rick has been to every BBQ competition in Texas, owns four different smokers, and won’t stop talking about brisket bark and smoke rings and wood types until everyone at family dinners wants to scream. Last Thanksgiving he visited San Francisco and I dragged him to Presidio Kebab because I was tired of hearing…

My friend Amanda is one of those people who says she “doesn’t care about food texture” and thinks people who do are pretentious. Then she ordered the lamb shish kebab at Presidio Kebab and halfway through eating she stopped, looked at her skewer, and said “okay I need to reconsider my entire position on texture…